Parenting When You Have OCD: Challenges and Strategies That Help

Parenting is a journey, filled with moments of immense joy, inevitable frustrations, and everything in between. For parents who live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), parenting can be even more challenging. Managing your obsessions and compulsions can make everyday tasks more daunting and may impact the family.  Parenting becomes a delicate balance of managing your own personal struggles while guiding and supporting your child through theirs. While it can feel overwhelming, you can manage your OCD and be the parent you want to be. With understanding, effective strategies, and support, you can foster a healthy environment for both you and your child. 

The Impact of OCD on Parenting

For a parent living with OCD, your symptoms can sometimes overlap with the demands of parenting. After all, you can’t “time” or “schedule” your symptoms. Intrusive thoughts can arise any time and disrupt even the best-laid plans. Common challenges include: 

Disrupted Daily Routines

Common compulsive behaviors centered around cleaning, organizing, ordering or perfectionism can make maintaining a routine difficult. Kids create messes, and don’t always follow a routine as a parent might want. This can lead to frustration and make it difficult to move from one task to the next. 

Time Management

Repetitive behaviors can quickly take up valuable time making staying on schedule difficult. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed, and this can spill over into feelings of frustration that the kids may pick up on. 

Emotional Strain and Guilt

You may worry that your OCD symptoms may affect your child’s well-being. You may feel guilty that your compulsions steal precious time from your family or leave you feeling irritable, preventing you from fully engaging with your kids. 

Balancing It All

A big piece of parenting is balancing all of the needs of the family and making sure everyone is where they need to be, while managing your own personal needs. You may be attending therapy, practicing therapy homework, or acclimating to a new medication. It’s balancing all the spinning plates and hoping you don’t drop any of them. Balancing it all requires intentionality and support. 

Concerns About Learning OCD

Wondering whether your child will “learn” OCD by modeling your behavior is not uncommon. It’s a very real worry for parents with OCD. 

Just what causes OCD is not entirely clear. There is some evidence based on twin and family studies to suggest that having a first-degree relative with OCD may increase the chances of having OCD. Although family relations are not the only predictor of OCD, they do seem to play a role. Genetic predispositions might affect children of parents with OCD but model learning can also contribute.

Strategies for Parenting with OCD

Parenting is challenging on a good day. Having strategies to manage your OCD can help you navigate parenting more confidently and help you to balance both your personal needs and those of your family. 

Cultivate Self-Awareness

A key factor in managing your OCD effectively is developing a sense of self-awareness. You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Knowing your triggers and patterns can help you to create effective strategies for coping. Ways to increase self-awareness can include engaging in regular self-reflection, journaling, or talking things out with a therapist who can help you better understand your OCD and how it may be impacting your parenting. 

Part of cultivating self-awareness is increasing your awareness of how your behavior can impact your children. Living with a parent who has OCD can have a profound effect on a child. While you may feel some guilt about your OCD, it’s also imperative that you not let that guilt drive your decisions. It’s not about “fault” or “blame”. Rather, this is a time for making healthy decisions for you and for your child. This is a time to take responsibility for your OCD and work towards healing. Being a parent and wanting the best for your child can be an incredibly powerful motivator in your healing journey. 

Model Healthy Coping Strategies

As the parent, you are a primary role model for your child. They learn from you how to cope with life’s challenges. By modeling healthy coping strategies, you can teach your child effective ways to manage their own challenges, whatever they may be. 

This modeling might include demonstrating how to deal with stress in a healthy manner, using tools like mindfulness, relaxation techniques, seeking treatment, and practicing self-care. If you find yourself struggling, it’s ok to share that and explain the steps you are taking to address it. Transparency helps in normalizing mental health and reinforces the idea that it is okay to seek help when needed. As always, keep in mind your child’s age and readiness when deciding how much to share. 

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Parents often wonder whether it’s ok or how much to share with their child. It’s ok to talk about it. Even very young children are keenly aware when things are tense or “off” in their family. The key to sharing with children is to share in a way that is age-appropriate for your child and sensitive to their needs. 

You want to be cautious about giving too much information but also explaining that you sometimes need to do things differently because of your mental health can help them understand your behavior. Children tend to view what they see at home as “normal”. As a parent with OCD, it’s important to help them recognize behaviors that are not normal. Talking openly and honestly helps them to learn the difference. 

Let them know that you’re doing everything you can to manage your OCD in healthy ways and that caring for them is your priority. Encourage them to express their feelings or ask questions. Then listen without judgement. Conversations like these can provide your child with understanding and reassurance. You’re also modeling healthy ways of communicating and talking about mental health. 

Embrace Flexibility

Routine can be both comforting for you and beneficial for your children. However, it’s also important to allow for flexibility. The fact is, even the best laid plans are sometimes derailed. Maybe it’s your OCD. Maybe it’s the weather. Or maybe it’s just one of those days. Regardless, rigidity and unwillingness to bend can create added anxiety and frustration for both you and your child. Establish a family schedule that works for everyone but prepares for those sometimes unexpected changes. Have a backup plan whenever possible. When you’re able to adapt to changes, you’re also modeling skills related to resiliency and adaptability.

Manage Your Compulsions

Setting boundaries can help you manage your OCD behaviors in ways that minimize their impact on your children. One of the ways you can manage your compulsions is to reduce the time you engage in them. This could mean doing them less, for a shorter amount of time, or in a less satisfying way. For example, if you struggle with cleaning compulsions, try to designate specific times for it, or specific areas, rather than cleaning constantly. You might set a boundary for yourself such as, “I will only clean the sink once a day.” 

By establishing limits and reducing the time you spend engaging in your compulsions, you free up time to engage with your children and reinforce a sense of normalcy and stability. It may also help you to learn how to better manage those urges when they arise. 

It’s important to note here that, as a parent with OCD, you have to be mindful of your child’s presence and interactions with you. As best as possible, you want to avoid engaging in your compulsions in front of your child. Even more critical, you want to avoid involving your child in your compulsions. For example, if your compulsions include checking behaviors, you don’t want to ask your child, “Did you see me lock the door?” Or, if you have contamination OCD, you don’t want to require your child to ahere to excessive handwashing or sanitizing rituals. 

Managing Compulsions in the Moment

Sometimes compulsive urges pop up when you least expect it. In moments like this, grounding strategies can help you to maintain control and help delay the response.

Deep Breathing

Taking slow, deep breaths can help calm your mind and help you refocus. You may find it helpful to think “breathe in, breathe out” as you breathe. 

Practice Mindfulness

Try to engage fully in the present moment with your child. Focus on what they’re saying or doing to shift your attention away from intrusive thoughts.

Recognize Your Thoughts

When intrusive thoughts or urges arise, recognize them as related to your OCD. This can help you to separate them from the moment and allow you to recognize them without having to immediately act upon them. You have time and space to decide whether to act, delay, or resist. This skill takes practice and may best be learned through working with a therapist. 

If a compulsion does take over, try not to be hard on yourself. Parenting is challenging on a good day, and extending grace and kindness towards yourself is essential for your well-being and healing.

Practice Self-Care

There’s an old saying that goes something like, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Your child relies on you for love and support, comfort and guidance, and so much more. To be fully present for them, you have to come from a place of wellness. When you neglect dealing with your own issues, they can drain your cup leaving you little to pour into your child’s cup.

Despite the notion that self-care is somehow selfish, practicing self-care is one of the greatest gifts we can give to those we love – and to ourselves.

Self-care might look like:

• Seeking therapy for yourself
• Healthy lifestyle and leisure practices 
• Finding a support group 

Seek Professional Help

Central to the idea of prioritizing self-care is seeking professional help. Treatment for OCD usually involves therapy, most often, a specialized type of cognitive behavioral therapy known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). 

ERP is the gold standard for the treatment of OCD. ERP involves gradually exposing the person to their obsessive fears without allowing them to engage in compulsions. Over time, this helps reduce the anxiety associated with obsessions.

Medication is sometimes part of the overall treatment plan. SSRIs, such as fluoxetine (Prozac) or sertraline (Zoloft), are commonly prescribed to help reduce the severity of OCD symptoms. Medication is often most effective when combined with therapy.

You and your treatment provider will determine the best course of action for your unique needs. 

Practice Self-Compassion

For some people with OCD, perfectionism is at the heart of their struggle, especially when it comes to creating the “perfect home”. Practicing self-compassion can help you to be kind to yourself when your OCD seems to have the upper hand. 

Healing from OCD doesn’t happen in a straight line. There will be stumbles along the way and that’s OK. It is not a reflection of who you are. Be kind to yourself in the way you would be kind to someone you love who is struggling. Give yourself grace when you make mistakes. Remind yourself that perfection is not realistic and more importantly, not a requisite for a healthy and happy family. Instead of focusing on perfection, try to focus on things that hold value and meaning for you like kindness, caring, and connection. 

Build A Support Network

A support network is critical to your journey. Supportive family and friends can help. An OCD support group can give you a place to meet other people who understand your challenges. Learning from parents who have been where you are can be a source of validation as well a wealth of experience when it comes to parenting strategies and insights. 

The Takeaway

Parenting with OCD presents unique challenges.. It also brings an opportunity for you to model positive self-care and resiliency, and create a loving, nurturing environment for your family. With healthy coping strategies and a commitment to yourself and your family, you can successfully navigate the path of parenthood. 

References

1. Browne, H. A., Gair, S. L., Scharf, J. M., & Grice, D. E. (2014). Genetics of obsessive-compulsive disorder and related disorders. The Psychiatric clinics of North America, 37(3), 319–335. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4143777/

2. Self-care for OCD. (2023, October). Mind.org.uk. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/self-care-for-ocd/#ManagingCompulsions

3. Del Casale, A., Sorice, S., Padovano, A., Simmaco, M., Ferracuti, S., Lamis, D. A., Rapinesi, C., Sani, G., Girardi, P., Kotzalidis, G. D., & Pompili, M. (2019). Psychopharmacological Treatment of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Current neuropharmacology, 17(8), 710–736.  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7059159/